Beta Mummy’s Trampoline Shame

This one happened after Feral Child #2 was born. You’d think that by this stage, (now an “experienced mum” as my health visitor hilariously once described me), I’d have known better. But no.

So, three months after Feral Child #2’s birth, it was FC #1’s second birthday party. We’d bought him an enormous trampoline in the vain hope that it would help burn off some of his….vigour.  (It didnt work, by the way – he now just makes use of the “safety enclosure” to enact cage fights with his little brother).

Me, being:
a) an idiot
b) slightly pissed (all the best kids’ parties involve booze for the grown-ups, right?)
c) over-confident about the state of my pelvic floor
decided that I simply must have a go on said trampoline.  In front of everyone. Whilst wearing pale grey trousers – you know, the kind that go dark grey when they get wet?

I don’t think I need to tell you what happened next, but let’s just say I haven’t been on a trampoline since.

2016-03-12 21.39.36_wm

Important lessons learned:
Do not go trampolining shortly after giving birth to a 10lb 5oz hippo. And never again wear pale grey trousers.  And if you must, in fact – although I can’t envisage any scenario in which the above wouldn’t be optional – do either of the above, then don’t forget the Tena Lady.


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  • islandliving365 25/04/2016 at 2:32 pm

    Haha, I read this when it was originally on rookie mistakes. Still making me cry with laughter – thanks 🙂

  • Squirmy Popple 25/04/2016 at 6:16 pm

    Hahahaha – love this! I’ve been lucky not to have too many issues with my pelvic floor, but I’m only one baby in so far, so I guess there’s still time to f*** it up.

    • The Adventures of Beta Mummy 25/04/2016 at 6:23 pm

      It was my second which ruined me 😉 He was a hippo though, so I was never going to come out of that unscathed…! X

  • Nadine (@caringchaos) 25/04/2016 at 7:35 pm

    **Crying** That is hilarious and actually quite scary and true what the hell happens to our pelvic floor?! Lesson learned – stay away from trampolines! x

  • Hannah G, The 'Ordinary' Mum 25/04/2016 at 9:01 pm

    Haha, this really made me chuckle although I do feel bad for you, you’ve definitely put me off going on a trampoline again! #bigpinklink

  • occupation:(m)other 26/04/2016 at 7:53 am

    Yes the phrase ‘remember your Kegel floor exercises’ has occasionally been popping into my head now I’m pregnant with number two. I think I’ll be avoiding trampolines for a good few years on your advice!! #chuckemums

  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 26/04/2016 at 8:53 am

    I already commented on this when it came out, I wouldn’t say I pissed myself laughing because I have an EXCELLENT pelvic floor – but close to 😉


  • busyirishmammyblog 26/04/2016 at 9:02 am

    I know your pain, the fifth kid took my pelvic floor with him when he came out, trampolines are my nemesis now #chucklemums

  • mumzilla 26/04/2016 at 2:09 pm

    Oh noooo! You know what I renamed the trampoline? The Knicker-Wetter-Boob-Wrecker…I think I should trademark it…thanks so much for linking again my lovely #chucklemums

  • turningupindevon 26/04/2016 at 7:52 pm

    Classic Beta Mummy, you never disappoint! surely there’s a book deal in the offing? X

  • pinkpearbear 26/04/2016 at 8:41 pm

    Ahahaha!! Oh noooooo! This is hilarious but I’m laughing with you I promise!! Am I the only one absolutely desperate to know the two you binned off?! Thanks for linking up with us! #bigpinklink

  • Petite Pudding 27/04/2016 at 5:57 am

    Ah man, damn that pelvic floor… Ha ha did you throw those trousers away? #chucklemums

  • Rebecca | AAUBlog 27/04/2016 at 8:33 am

    I enjoy your posts so much – makes me laugh out loud! #bloggerclubuk

  • Sarah - Craft Invaders 27/04/2016 at 9:10 am

    Ha ha knew what the story would be but still had to check it out. Sharing with all my smug friends who single-handedly keep Tena in business x

  • emetomumblog 27/04/2016 at 12:04 pm

    haha brilliant ! #bloggerclubuk love your doodles 🙂

  • cherylbarry 27/04/2016 at 7:06 pm

    Hah hah! Love it. You must have had a few vinos, don’t think I’d dare attempt a trampoline having only recently given birth (perhaps maybe never now!) Yes, come on, spill the beans on number 1 and 2 stories please! x #BloggerClubUK

  • mumworkrepeat 27/04/2016 at 7:33 pm

    Come on, don’t tease us, we NEED the other two as well 🙂 Jeez, I’d have had to be paralytic to get on that trampoline, even doing “hop little bunny” on full clench is risking it for me and I’ve only had one!! #BloggerClubUK

  • justsayingmum 27/04/2016 at 7:34 pm

    Oh I am crying – literally – you are so bloody funny! #BloggerClubUK

  • min1980 27/04/2016 at 7:58 pm

    There are many times I feel disappointed about having had a C-section, but this was not one of them. I think we need to hear the 2 rejected stories though! #chucklemums

  • twotinyhands 28/04/2016 at 12:40 pm

    Here I was hoping for a 2nd child and a career as a trampolinest (they exist don’t they?). Which to choose!?

  • Laura:Adventures with J 29/04/2016 at 2:10 pm

    Hilarious!! I will avoid all trampolines (and bouncy castles while I’m at it) for all future years! Just in case…

  • maddy@writingbubble 30/04/2016 at 8:42 pm

    10lbs 5oz?! I nearly wet myself just thinking about that!Love the drawing as ever. xx

  • Becky, Cuddle Fairy 03/05/2016 at 3:29 pm

    Oh dear! It’s awful but also quite funny. Agreed kids parties are no good without a few tasty drinks for the grown ups. I can see why jumping on the trampoline seemed like a good idea at the time! lol Thanks so much for linking up with #bloggerclubuk x

  • Phil Refuelled 29/05/2016 at 8:55 am

    “Pelvic floor decidedly less taut than the trampoline” ???
    You always crack me up!
    Oh, and by the way, you are too modest; your ‘doodles’ are real works of art! ?

  • Intolerant Mum 11/10/2016 at 3:13 pm

    Hahaha! We’ve all been there if we’re being honest!! I like the better bra comment too ?#chucklemums


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