Even Beta Mummy Remembers Her Smear Test…

Ugh, I know.  It’s not my favourite part of being a woman, either.  But of all the things to prioritise, of all the times that it’s important to practise a bit of self-care, getting your smear tests (cervical screening) done regularly has got to be near the top of the list.


I had mine done today.  It was fine.  Thankfully I had neither of the Feral Children with me, otherwise I’m sure they would have taken great delight in having a good old peer at my bits, and then no doubt in telling the poor cashier in the supermarket.  (Last time I was shopping with the boys, FC#1 announced, completely out of the blue: “My daddy doesn’t live at our house anymore”…  Followed shortly by “My mummy is 32”.  I’m sure that Valerie would be overjoyed to hear about my lady parts along with the rest of my private life).


Anyway, back to this morning.  I hadn’t been expecting to have my smear today – I went to the doctor about something vaguely related, and bemoaned the fact that I needed to take more time off work next week for my smear appointment.  “I can quickly do it for you now, if you like?”, my lovely GP offered. “Oh, ok – if you want to!” I replied – like there’s nothing she would rather do…


I took off my pants behind the drawn curtain, bemused as always at the way that the doctor gives us that little bit of privacy when in thirty seconds’ time she is going to be having a good old gander at my floodlit fandango.  Then I assumed the position: feet together, knees apart, and awkwardly waited for her to reappear whilst feeling ever-so-slightly thankful that I’d given my lady garden a cursory hack last night.  We proceeded to  have a lovely chat about our kids and how her little boy is starting school in September and how it’s difficult juggling everything as a working mum – whilst she popped in the (larger-sized since I had children) speculum and had a ferret around inside my vajayjay with the funny little toothbrushy thing.


It was over in a trice (what exactly is a trice?) and I went about my day none the worse for wear, just a little squelch of NHS lube to remind me that today I did a GOOD THING.  Go me!  I’m taking care of myself!  You should too, ladies – when was your last smear test?  If it’s been three years or more, make time to give your GP surgery a ring.  You won’t regret doing it, but you might regret not.

A doodle of Beta Mummy having a smear test

More info about cervical screening here on the NHS website.

And lots of great information here too on the Jo’s Trust website.

Liked it? Take a second to support Beta Mummy on Patreon!

  • The Hippy Christian Mum 21/06/2017 at 10:09 pm

    Oh no the squelch of lube. Brought it all ‘flooding’ back :/ gotta love a smear test. Nothing quite as awkward.

    • Owen 21/06/2017 at 11:03 pm

      I would argue a prostate exam ranks up there… ?

      • Beta Mummy 22/06/2017 at 1:47 pm

        Yeah I guess that’s the male equivalent…joyful I’m sure!

  • Deb @ Crossing New Bridges of Motherhood 22/06/2017 at 12:55 am

    -“she is going to be having a good old gander at my floodlit fandango.”– I bloody love the use of your descriptive words! I always get a laugh and tonight my screen got a squirt of coffee! Keep up the awesomeness!

    • Beta Mummy 22/06/2017 at 1:47 pm

      Thanks! I must admit I did have to re-read your comment to check out the “squirt”…! 😉

  • Chi 20/07/2017 at 8:22 pm

    What is the point in that blue paper! Haha

  • Lisa Healey 30/08/2017 at 9:00 pm

    I love this so much!!! I’m a nurse & have been looking for a poster to put on the ceiling above my couch in the GP surgery where I work so my ladies have something to look at & help them relax whilst having their smear… any idea where I could get hold of it as an A3 size poster?

    • Beta Mummy 30/08/2017 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you, glad you like it 🙂 The original is only A4-ish, but it might blow up OK to A3. If you private message me (email or via facebook) with your email address, I’ll send you a PDF x


Leave a Comment