*Sigh*
We’re a pretty outdoorsy family – anything to minimise the house-trashing – but our outdoors activities tend to be somewhat…unstructured.
I was given this book a while back – ‘Kiddiwalks in Dorset’ – and wow! I thought, what adventures we shall have, my boys and I! We shall explore the Dorset countryside starting at a convenient car park, follow a very carefully-planned route (not too difficult for little legs), with lunch at the halfway point (either a picturesque picnic spot or a family-friendly pub), finishing up back at the car just in time for naptime…BRILLIANT! I shall bask in the sunshine and the glory of being such a great mum of two ruddy-cheeked, nature-appreciating, Frugi-wearing stars of Instagram!
In fact, the scene I pictured was something along these lines….
At that point I hadn’t, of course, actually attempted to herd my two feral kids both in one direction at the same time (they were newborn and not-quite-two when I got the book). Going on a walk back then was still rather nice – pop them both in the Phil & Teds, pack nappies, my boobs and plenty of snacks, and off we go. Often they’d both fall asleep which meant there was time for a nice pint of Scrumpy in a beer garden.
But fuuuuucking hell. Now they can both run! Fast. In opposite directions (always). Usually towards cliff edges and roads. Until, of course, I WANT them to move along a bit sharpish, at which point one will drop to the floor in protest whilst the other one suddenly develops a cute but infuriating obsession with THIS particular woodlouse which MUST be caught and brought along for the ride. OHMYGODITMAKESMESOANGRY!
I know, I know, I should chill out and slow down to their pace, revel in the innocent unbridled joy and yadda yadda yadda. But when it’s pissing with rain and I need a pee and they’re both whinging and demanding to be carried (no I can’t carry both of you chubby little wrigglers at once, especially when at least one of you has trodden in dog shit), it’s hard to enjoy myself. Sorry. What can I say – I’m a Beta Mummy.
Oh poor Beta Mummy! One day, I would like to see alpha mummies children step in shit and spread it down her pretty dress 😂 Oops, did I say that out loud? 😂 Fabulous post as always! Xxx #TribalLove
Oh bless you!!! 😂🙈
Been there many a time and it’s exactly like you’ve drawn! 🙈
High five for getting them both back!!x
Another classic! I only have one and he is already dropping to the floor in protest every time we need to move somewhere. I am omega mummy, I think! #tribe
Hahaha! The drop and tantrum is the worst!! #tribe xx
I sometimes feel bad because I laugh so much at your doodles, but it’s stuff you’ve gone through. Poor Beta Mummy! #TribalLove
ah the scooter!! why do they never want to bloody ride it!?! lol – Ive said it before but your drawings are so true and crack me up! #bigpinklink
Poor Beta Mummy! Haha, I enjoy the drawings so much though! I’m not looking forward to the days Mini-Me can run..or even walk..away from me (or into dog shit)!
Lu xx
#TribalLove
Oh I love your doodles as they never fail to cheer me. This doodle has reminded me why I never venture on any of the lovely cliff-top walks in Jersey. That would be a disaster!! #bigpinklink
I hate scooters and bicycles! My kids always want to take them out and them I end up carrying the bloody things and the kids back!!!!! I want to be alpha mummy so bad… #triballove
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being do bloody talented – even though I know what’s coming with beta mummy it makes me laugh out loud every single time without fail! Just brilliant! You are a genius! #BigPinkLink
What comes after Beta? I am that Mummy. This looks exactly like our kind of family walk / outing. I kind of wouldn’t mind a woodlouse obsession – at least they tend to move a bit? My littlest one tends to get obsessed with pavement. Just that bit. Just there. Aaaaaggghhh!! I feel your pain lovely. Fantastic post. Even the hubby peered over my shoulder to look at your sketch and chuckle.
#bigpinklink x
Bloody genius again. I always end up carrying the f****** scooter. And don’t get me started on dog shit – I once barged into the council house going mental about the stuff in my Dinglish (Half Dutch half English) they thought i was totally mental! Please stop spying on me…
Outdoorsy adventures are never as idyllic as we want them to be, are they? Now that my daughter can walk, I spend most of the time chasing her down and making sure she’s not trying to put sticks or pebbles in her mouth. #chucklemums #triballove
Haha, mine always finds the mud. Even in a drought, he would find the mud. Thanks for linking to #chucklemums and hope you come back next week 🙂 xx
WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE THE WEEKEND?
Just. Ugh.
Add in just-walking-baby-who-hates-buggy-entrapment and instead of rain subtitute for the hottest goddamn day of the year and you have it covered.
Thanks for linking to #chucklemums 😀
Oh god, oh god, oh god. This is me every. Single. Dog walk we go on (two per day). Love these drawings, they are so funny. And the scooter … I am thinking of making a discreet trip to the dump sometimes soon. #chucklemums
*Sometime! Sorry, wine-eyes already. Been a long day 🙂 #chucklemums
If i’ve banged my ankles/shins once with a ‘carry my’ scooter – I’ve done it a million times.:) #chucklemums
Hahaha…poor Beta Mummy! I so hate that scooter as well. They always promise to ride it all the way but give up 1/5th along the way. And don’t mention that Dog Poo – then it gets into car…yeewllll…I hope you made it in time to pee. Thanks for linking with #bigpinklink
This is why my two year old still rides goes in the stroller still.He gets to play outside plenty and we live on a short hill. I cam of imagine when there are two of them. I’m definitely envisioning the tantrums you mention. So funny, or at least it’s better to laugh about it. #bigpinklink
Hahaha poor Beta Mummy! Brilliant post, we’ve just got to the assisted walking phase so every 100m takes foreverrrrr ah it’s so painful. I fear there is much much more to come x #triballove #bigpinklink
So happy to see your doodle before my post on #KCACOLS. We try this, end up carrying three kids between us.. Showed your sketches to my hubby and we laughed our socks off! Thanks for cheering me up xxx
Ahhhh what a lovely comment, thank you! Glad to be of service 🙂 x
Haha your posts just make me laugh! I know it’s not funny when your kids step in doggy doo but your little drawings are just so real! Love Beta Mummy!
Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday
Rachel xx
Totally with you!! I used to love a nice long walk pre-kids. Normally on a Sunday with a hangover and a nice pub lunch at the end. Now I’m lucky if we get 10 minutes down the road without one or both having a tantrum / asking to be carried / making me carry their scooter or bike. Hope you get to use the book…. In about 20 years or so. #KCACOLS x
Pahaha this is hilarious! The tantrum drop is thee worst! We can’t go anywhere without it these days! #triballove #KCACOLS
Haha! My son doesn’t walk yet but I know he will be a champion tantrumer when we’re out and about, he already throws things in a paddy!! #KCACOLS
Oh it’s all fun and games isn’t it!I always end up carrying the poxy scooters too.How much does it hurt when it smashes you in the ankle!!!! #kcacols
Omg it really does!
Ahaha! I love adventures of a beta mummy! I tried taking my son and nephew to the beach the other day! (Almost 2 and just 2) it was like herding fucking cats! Never the same direction, couldn’t share anything and would they listen? Would they balls!! I feel you sista!! #kcacols
Ha ha that’s so funny! I struggle to take my two to the beach on my own – too much stuff to carry!
The scooter. The fucking scooter. I am almost 100% certain that both of my kids ask to bring their scooters places SOLELY to watch me carry them around and suffer for their own sick amusement.
Ha ha, yup! The ankle bruises tell the story…
Count me in the Beta mummy crew, my son always insists on going on his dumpy plastic motorcycle yet halfway there decides he no longer wants to ride on it so muggins here has to balance a change bag a toddler, baby and said motorcycle like a demented camel. F*ck you alpha mum 😂 #EatSleepBlogRT
I remember when my son first got off his buggy! He run towards the road and I have to leave my buggy full of our stuff (wallet,camera and other wordly things) and run after my son! I am just so confused on what to do then. So all in all I can relate to this post =) #EatSleepBlogRT
Haha your posts always make me laugh! You Beta mum pictures are so much more reality than Alpha mummy! Well in my world anyway! Thanks for linking up to #EatSleepBlgRt
I refuse to take scooter or bikes and now footballs on walks! I am sick of carrying things… I am with you, def a Beta Mummy when it comes to a ‘nice’ walk!
I love this post so much! I have only one “chubby little wriggler” 😂 but boy does he do all the irritating things you describe! The demand for snacks is constant 😆