The Birthday Party – with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

As I mentioned in a previous post, it was Feral Child #1’s fourth birthday party recently. I say recently – it has taken me several weeks to recover and gather myself sufficiently to produce this post.

As you will know if you have children of primary school or pre-school age, kids’ parties these days seem to be rather more competitive than they used to be. When I was a kid, a party consisted of running around in ever-decreasing diameter circles to a soundtrack of Kylie and Jason, followed by a game of musical statues or pin the tail on the donkey, finished off with eating far too much e-number laden jelly and ice cream. Then we’d be sent on our way with a bit of cake wrapped in a serviette, and a balloon if we were lucky. Happy days!

Now FC #1’s birthday party was never going to be hugely elaborate – finances don’t currently allow a mobile zoo or a childrens’ entertainer – so I decided to go down the good old-fashioned route of a party at home, with games and a party tea.  Decision made, I set out inviting everybody at nursery (via HOMEMADE invitations – proud Alpha Mummy moment there), and praying to the skies for a dry day to minimise house-trashing.


Clearly, I was hoping for something akin to what Alpha Mummy’s child’s birthday party would look like (albeit on a budget):

Alpha Mummy's kid's party. The kids are behaving nicely, Alpha Mummy is smiling with her clipboard making sure everything is on schedule. Everything is very coordinated and organised-looking.


In reality, it was much more like this:

Beta Mummy's kid's party. Beta Mummy is looking stressed. The cake went wrong, the house is chaos, kids are crying, arguing and puking. Beta Mummy needs a glass of wine.


The most amusing part of our day was probably Pass The Parcel:  the children were sat down in a circle, the music started and the children excitedly passed the parcel from one to the next.  The music stopped.  The first child to receive the parcel happily ripped off the first layer of wrapping paper – and there was the prize!  Yep, I’d accidentally given them one of FC’s birthday presents – the million-layered parcel was still in the kitchen.  Doh.

I tried, dear reader, I really really tried.

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  • Sarah 25/07/2016 at 9:07 pm

    Oh noooo! Hahaha, you idiot! Love it. Xx

  • Mouse, Moo and Me Too 25/07/2016 at 9:39 pm

    Lol’d heartily! The only thing missing is the growing pile of “plastic shit” presents that your shit friends give you, that will immediately be consigned to the wardrobe and regifted down the shit friend line 🙂 Alpha mummies buy lovely wooden presents hand decorated with lead free paint. Losers.

    • Phil Refuelled 01/08/2016 at 9:53 pm

      [slaps knee] Got it! I’ll get a lathe, and make wooden stuff to sell to all the alpha mummies at rip-off prices! [cackles wickedly] ?

  • Right Royal Mother 26/07/2016 at 7:45 am

    So, so true. Completely given up on ever reaching the pinnacle of coordinated birthday decorations. (WHY WOULD YOU???) Those people will get their come-uppance; one day their children will present grandchildren and they’ll have to do it all over again… #chucklemums

  • Emma 26/07/2016 at 1:07 pm

    Oh noooo at pass the parcel! Haha, made me laugh. I always think the best birthday parties are the ones that hand out wine for the adults 😉

  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 26/07/2016 at 1:32 pm

    Hahaha did they cry when they couldn’t keep it?
    I have all this left to come – not something I’m looking forward to. Without being sexist at least you didn’t have to do a sodding Frozen party. #chucklemums

  • Mum-Work-Repeat 26/07/2016 at 8:30 pm

    Oh brilliant, can’t believe you gave his actual present for pass the parcel. Not to self – it’s worth the extortionate money to have a party away from the house…must remember that when it comes around at the end of this year! #chucklemums

  • James Hopes 26/07/2016 at 9:21 pm

    Yay let’s all play pass the parcel at your house!! Guaranteed gift every time sounds awesome! We baked a lovely cake for our little one’s first birthday. For his second birthday it was a Paw Patrol supermarket cake – although we paid more to buy it from Waitress so we felt better about it… #chucklemums

  • Charlene 27/07/2016 at 6:32 am

    Bahahahahaha! That is so funny, pass the parcel is supposed to have an element of surprise. My son was recently diagnosed with autism and don’t hate me but one of the first things I thought was, maybe I won’t have to host any birthday parties…

  • ohlucy 27/07/2016 at 8:53 pm

    Oh no! This actually happened at one of my very own birthday parties and MY MOM GAVE THE GIRL MY PRESENT! (I imagine it was something crap but still…) Lucy xx #triballove

  • Hayley McLean 30/07/2016 at 11:21 pm

    LOL Oh nooooo re: pass the parcel! What did you do?!!! #KCACOLS

    • admin 31/07/2016 at 6:23 am

      My mum was right there and whisked it away, and I quickly ran over with the right one… it was a bit embarrassing! 😉

  • Someone's Mum (Danielle) 31/07/2016 at 12:12 pm

    Haha! How did the child feel about suddenly having the gift they thought they’d won whisked away?? I wouldn’t worry too much. I bet the kids still thought it was the best time ever. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  • Upside Mum 31/07/2016 at 8:53 pm

    Haha! Kids birthday parties are great eh? Love the illustrations. I’m sure the kids had a great time. #KCACOLS

  • Alex 31/07/2016 at 9:22 pm

    Ha Ha – your posts always make me laugh, especially the drawings, they’re brill! Love the little boy puking! I’ve voted for you – I think you deserve it! #KCACOLS

    • Beta Mummy 31/07/2016 at 9:25 pm

      Aw thank you, such a lovely comment 🙂 x

  • Sarah@teammomlife 31/07/2016 at 9:33 pm

    Oh my goodness birthdays are so hard. I feel like I spent an entire week trying to put together my sons 2nd birthday (not that you could tell). No one wanted to open the presents the kids just chased eachother around the room instead lol. #KCACOLS #TribalLove

  • Phil Refuelled 01/08/2016 at 9:44 pm

    Hehehe! I love your drawings, and the parcel mistake really made me laugh! ?

  • Silly Mummy 01/08/2016 at 10:34 pm

    Haha! I knew there was a good reason I was not doing birthday parties. Of course, I realise when they are school age & may want one themselves, I will have to cave in. My parties will be crap! #chucklemums

  • emma me and b 03/08/2016 at 12:05 pm

    haha if It makes you feel better I don’t think ive EVER been to or even heard of an alpha mummy birthday party haha! #KCACOLS

  • One Messy Mama 03/08/2016 at 2:29 pm

    Oh dear. I can just imagine what was going through your mind. I really love your drawings. They have so much character! #KCACOLS

  • Geraldine 03/08/2016 at 9:09 pm

    Haha oh beta mummy you make me laugh every time. My birthday’s as a kid were the exact sa me as yours! Great memories but I’m sure my mum was pretty frazzled and I didn’t notice #KCACOLS

  • Tim 06/08/2016 at 6:10 pm

    Oh no! Very brave of you having a party at home for a 4-year-old. I still refuse to do anything other than outsource party-handling to the local Pizza Hut or leisure centre. Nothing too elaborate or expensive but anything that means we don’t have to tidy up afterwards … #KCACOLS

  • The Speed Bump 18/09/2016 at 8:42 pm

    Oh god I had to giggle at your pass the parcel story! Love your illustrations as always! #EatSleepBlogRT

  • Dave - Dad's Turn 18/09/2016 at 9:23 pm

    Haha! Great as usual. Love the doodles. A good warning for parents with younger kids to avoid birthday parties. 🙂

  • Kerry 19/09/2016 at 8:02 pm

    Lol! I bet that kid was so happy! I am yet to experience a proper kid’s party, my kid is only 2…got all that to look forward to! #EatSleepBlogRT

  • Petite Pudding 22/09/2016 at 7:59 pm

    Ha ha ha I just spat my tea out – can’t believe the pass the parcel present got mixed up! #EatSleepBlogRT

  • Nadia - ScandiMummy 23/09/2016 at 9:31 pm

    Haha… Brilliant. I use to work as an entertainer as children’s birthday parties… #EatSleepBlogRT


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