Potty training (or toilet training) should be a process of great joy, should it not?  After all, once complete, it does herald the end of nappies – hooray!  But, for Beta Mummies in particular, the process itself can feel like A Big Deal.

Well, one day, you’ll decide that you can put it off no longer, that it really won’t be acceptable (although tempting) to let your children live outside in a run and/or use a litter tray, and potty training will commence.

Alpha Mummy’s children, of course, were practically toilet trained from birth – before they could speak they would sign “toilet” to their ever-attentive mother, and off she would whisk them to do their business.  No up-the-back poonami situations for Alpha Mummy!  Her children, now a little older, recognise the importance of keeping one’s bathroom gleaming and sparkling, so take extra care not to tinkle on the floor, carefully wipe up any little accidents themselves, and always put the toilet seat down.  Obviously.

Beta Mummy’s children shit and piss all over the bloody house.

Beta Mummy has lost track of the number of pairs of pants and jogging bottoms that have been forced into bin-exile by hideous excrement-related disasters.

Beta Mummy is losing her tiny little mind and wonders if her kids will actually manage to achieve the mandatory “no nappy” pre-school rule by the time they are supposed to start.

Beta Mummy has so far purchased thirteen different types of carpet cleaning spray – none of them bloody work – and has now given up and resigned herself to having a shit-stained lounge carpet for the foreseeable future.

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