Potty Training with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

Potty training (or toilet training) should be a process of great joy, should it not?  After all, once complete, it does herald the end of nappies – hooray!  But, for Beta Mummies in particular, the process itself can feel like A Big Deal.

Well, one day, you’ll decide that you can put it off no longer, that it really won’t be acceptable (although tempting) to let your children live outside in a run and/or use a litter tray, and potty training will commence.

Alpha Mummy’s children, of course, were practically toilet trained from birth – before they could speak they would sign “toilet” to their ever-attentive mother, and off she would whisk them to do their business.  No up-the-back poonami situations for Alpha Mummy!  Her children, now a little older, recognise the importance of keeping one’s bathroom gleaming and sparkling, so take extra care not to tinkle on the floor, carefully wipe up any little accidents themselves, and always put the toilet seat down.  Obviously.

Alpha Mummy's spotless bathroom: Her younger child is sitting on the toilet nicely doing their business, whilst the older sibling says that they'll help them wash their hands. Alpha Mummy pops her head around the door to check that all is well and to offer them a healthy snack.


Beta Mummy’s children shit and piss all over the bloody house.

Beta Mummy's chaotic bathroom: piss all over the floor, dirty/wet clothes everywhere. Feral Child number 1 is presenting his arse for wiping, whilst Feral Child number 2 is sitting on the potty making a right old mess.

Beta Mummy has lost track of the number of pairs of pants and jogging bottoms that have been forced into bin-exile by hideous excrement-related disasters.

Beta Mummy is losing her tiny little mind and wonders if her kids will actually manage to achieve the mandatory “no nappy” pre-school rule by the time they are supposed to start.

Beta Mummy has so far purchased thirteen different types of carpet cleaning spray – none of them bloody work – and has now given up and resigned herself to having a shit-stained lounge carpet for the foreseeable future.

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  • Mum-Work-Repeat 18/07/2016 at 7:32 am

    Another classic! My fellow commuters have finally come to terms with the fact I’ve lost the plot, laughing out loud at the “shit stained carpet”! We’re currently in the trying out the stand up wee phase – I’d say we are on a 10% success rate re hitting the target! X
    P.S Loving the new website

  • A Mum Track Mind 18/07/2016 at 7:57 am

    Haha brilliant! I’m absolutely dreading the potty training stage I must say! #triballove

  • Squirmy Popple 18/07/2016 at 11:35 am

    Oh dear – I’m SO not looking forward to this stage. I mean, I don’t want to be buying nappies and wiping bums forever, but I can’t imagine the Popple willingly using the toilet.

  • Jo Sandelson 18/07/2016 at 1:32 pm

    Poonami! That is a classic Beth. BTW the dried rabbit droppings go on for years – if not your kids, then their lovely little friends whenever they come for a playdate. NEVER pop one in your mouth thinking its a lost chocolate drop under the sofa cushion. Look forward Honey 😉

  • Harriet Miller 19/07/2016 at 8:31 am

    I love it! So funny! I haven’t started potty training yet but walked into my living room this morning to find 2 yo had removed his pyjama bottoms and nappy and was sitting precariously on my cream carpet. Needless to say, I whipped a fresh nappy on sharpish! #chucklemums

  • Kelly 19/07/2016 at 10:14 am

    THis is fast becoming my fave blog!!! Toilet training really is the stuff of nightmares. I don’t know how we pull through it!!! Soooo many binned clothes. It’s just not worth killing the washing machine!!

  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 19/07/2016 at 6:47 pm

    I heartily recommend the VAX carpet cleaner. Just don’t go overboard or your carpets will f*&cking stink for a month. I am LOVING the new site, it looks brilliant. Thanks for making my struggles seem funny 😉 #chucklemums

  • Lucy at occupation: (m)other 19/07/2016 at 8:26 pm

    This made me, dare I say it, laugh out loud! My son does the touching toes bum presentation. ALL the clothes have to come off and sitting backwards on the potty is hilarious apparently. Today, much to my dismay, he attempted a ‘hoverwee’ over the potty having been to one to many petrol station toilets with me recently. Oh dear. #chucklemums

  • Bridie By The Sea 20/07/2016 at 8:12 am

    Haha this is brilliant. I am so dreading the potty training stage and the odd poo on the floor…#triballove

  • James Hopes 20/07/2016 at 4:32 pm

    Love this. You’ve put me off of potty training for life now though. I’d better invest in some adult nappies for the little one and hope his future partner doesn’t mind #chucklemums

  • Ellen 20/07/2016 at 9:13 pm

    Ahaha this is hilarious but I am NOT looking forward to the potty training stage. One of my nieces did not take well to it so my sister in law carried a towel everywhere which she got her to sit on in public, ha! And they resorted to chocolate button bribery… #chucklemums

  • Sarah 20/07/2016 at 9:19 pm

    Hahaha! Of all the horrors we’ve had as parents, potty training wasn’t one of them! Good luck Beta! #chucklemums PS loving the site!!

  • James Hopes 22/07/2016 at 6:55 am

    Our little one will be approaching that stage shortly and we’re pretty much terrified by the prospect! Although if he pisses on our abysmal inherited wallpaper at least it’s a reason to replace it!! #EffitFriday

  • Fran Back With a Bump 22/07/2016 at 8:49 am

    This is bloody brilliant and I love your pictures. I remember my eldest still shouting when she was about 4 “mummeeeeeee! I’ve finished. WIPE MY BOTTOM!”. #effitfriday

  • Mouse, Moo and Me Too 22/07/2016 at 7:58 pm

    Casting an eye at my shit stained carpet right about now. Did I tell you about the mum at a baby group who insisted her child was potty trained at 9 months?! Love, if you sit a 9 month old naked baby ANYWHERE for 10 minutes they will piss or shit. Fact. Thanks for linking up with #effitfriday 🙂

  • Rachel Bustin 24/07/2016 at 9:12 pm

    oh I am reallly not looking forward to the potty training phase! shit-stained carpet! your writing relly cracks me up! xx

  • Francesca jaques 24/07/2016 at 9:34 pm

    Brilliant I actually have been laughing out loud to this post loving your blog and the website ! Frankie x

  • Single Mum Speaks 25/07/2016 at 8:08 am

    Love it! Why do they always insist on sitting on the potty back to front? Piglet hasn’t even managed to do a poo on the potty yet, much to my mother’s eternal disappointment (“you were all out of nappies by two!”) I don’t think he’s quite ready yet. #puddinglove #triballlove

  • Catherine 25/07/2016 at 8:34 pm

    Haha! Love this! Dreading potty training although we already have brown carpet! ? #puddinglove

  • One Messy Mama 25/07/2016 at 10:57 pm

    Love this! Great drawings! 🙂 My last needs to start potty training, and if I am honest I will say I’m delaying it a little. I’m still wiping the older 3’s bottoms…Ew

  • Suzanne 26/07/2016 at 2:01 pm

    This is my life. This is actually my f***ing life right now. And then the dog had the cheek to have a diarrhea episode on the kitchen floor on Friday night. As if there isn’t enough poop in the house right now. FML. #effitfriday

  • Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme) 27/07/2016 at 3:04 pm

    Oh i know i really shouldn’t laugh but your posts are so funny to read! I am thankful that there is 5 years apart with my two so i toilet trained one at a time phew! Good luck with the nominations! Thanks for linking up to #puddinglove

  • Petite Pudding 02/08/2016 at 6:51 pm

    bahahah brilliant – I am so beta mummy on this! My 4yr old is still shockingly not toilet trained we have been at this for 2 and half bloody years… I still blame the fact that the first time he used the potty the dog ate it before I could praise him! #PuddingLove

  • Rachel Bustin 20/08/2016 at 9:35 pm

    Popping back again to read this for #KCACOLS, I’m laughing all over again! xx

  • Mouse, Moo and Me Too 20/08/2016 at 9:49 pm

    Nipping back for #KCACOLS and also because we need to get Mouse dry at night – gah. Some nights are bone dry. Some are a teeny wee. Other nights are like the great flood of Noah’s Ark time.

    • Beta Mummy 20/08/2016 at 9:51 pm

      FC #1 stayed in pull ups for a good year after being dry during the day. I told him that when the pull up was dry 5 days running, he wouldn’t have to wear one anymore. I didn’t push it – couldn’t be bothered with changing bed sheets all the time!

  • Nicole | The Professional Mom Project 21/08/2016 at 1:42 am

    Too funny! I don’t understand kids – why don’t they want to wipe their own bums. Seriously!?! #KCACOLS

  • Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons 21/08/2016 at 7:20 am

    Oh dear, potty training is in our near future and I am dreading it. My son has zero interest in either of the two potties he so keenly picked out – he acts like it’s some kind of torture chair if he sits down on it! On the plus side, I’m suddenly grateful we have wooden floors all across our ground floor! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  • justsayingmum 21/08/2016 at 7:37 am

    Oh the shock again … I know it’s coming but overtime you make me laugh out loud! The presented bum in air, the probably poo on beta’s dress – love love love! #KCACOLS

  • Sarah - Mum & Mor 21/08/2016 at 8:33 am

    Oh gosh. I’m dreading potty training! I always have been, though. I do hope it’ll be easier with just the one child! #KCACOLS

  • Cotswold Mum (@cotswold_mum) 21/08/2016 at 4:19 pm

    This is brilliant! I’ve been dreading this stage and am currently in denial that children require potty training at all. Don’t they just wake up one day and know how to do it? #KCACOLS

  • Themotherhub 21/08/2016 at 6:34 pm

    Have come to accept that my daughter just thinks potty training means pooing in knickers instead of nappy. Fun times #kcacols

  • Sarahbel 21/08/2016 at 9:02 pm

    I feel beta mummy and I have a lot in common! #kcacols

  • Mother Hermit 22/08/2016 at 2:01 pm

    Haha totally love it. We were lucky with the potty training and have escaped the shit stained carpets but I have a feeling this is going to be more difficult when it’s the boy’s turn to be trained! x #KCACOLS

  • Tammymum 22/08/2016 at 7:17 pm

    Haha. We’re yet to embark on potty training although it may well be imminent and if my track record is anything to go by I will certainly be beta mummy #KCACOLS

  • Davina 24/08/2016 at 7:05 pm

    Today O announced that he needed a wee the second we arrived at the playground 15 minutes drive from home. I said we would have to go home and he decided he would hold it. Which he did… Until I was backing the car down the drive an hour later. I can’t even. He starts school in less than two weeks and he’s been potty trained for nearly two years! HALP! #KCACOLS

  • emma me and b 25/08/2016 at 8:50 am

    process of joy…yeah right hehe! we get the downward dog @rse wipe demands here too! #KCACOLS

  • Madeline (This Glorious Life) 25/08/2016 at 9:18 pm

    Honestly, my biggest bit of advice with potty training is to just wait until they’re properly ready, saves a lot of stress, even if it means you have to accept they might not start preschool on time! x #KCACOLS

  • OddHogg 27/08/2016 at 9:03 pm

    Sounds like it’s going swimmingly haha my sister is potty training my nephew right now – he can pee on a stone outside on command but thats about it for their success! #kcacols

  • Kerry 31/08/2016 at 7:48 am

    I proper chuckled, I have the 4 year old that still presents a bottom like that for wiping! #KCACOLS

  • N. 05/09/2016 at 12:56 am

    This was hilarious! Makes me feel a little better about my own potty training disaster in progress ?


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