Alpha Mummy Goes on a Health Kick

January.  January is the month that everyone in the whole wide world seems to start some sort of self-improvement quest:  going vegan, getting fit, losing weight, konmari-ing their house… Luckily January is nearly over.

“New Year, New Me” is not for Beta Mummy.  Oh no.  Alpha Mummy can keep her bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 6am yoga, followed by goji berry treats and a walk around the gated gardens with a shiny-coated and impeccably-behaved Labradoodle before heading to the local vegan artisan cafe  to discuss the latest French cinemasterpiece with her bestie Callista and the other yummy mummies.

 No.  None of that.  Beta Mummy wakes up, as we know by now, at 5:56, and it’s not for sun salutations, green smoothies or naked meditation.  With a Stupid Cat pawing at her ear and a child jumping on her bladder, Beta Mummy knows that a new year means naff all.  There’s still a never-ending pile of washing to wash, eye-watering bills to pay and bottomless-pit tummies to fill.

So far this year, January has irreparably fucked up my shoulder, failed to deliver cleaning fairies, not bought any of the shit I’m trying to offload on Gumtree and reduced my Christmas weight gain from 6lb to 5.5lb.  That’s right folks, I’ve lost half a pound of my Christmas flubber.  Good work me!  At least I didn’t attempt dry January.  Damp January was a far better idea (I was given some nice gin for Christmas, which I’ve enjoyed very much), and I’m looking forward to a considerably wetter February (ooh-er!)

As January comes to an end, I’m looking forward to the normality of February, and the lack of expectation that it brings.  Fancy a pint? Go for it.  Bacon sandwich?  Bring it on.  Can’t be arsed to go to the gym?  Me neither!  I haven’t yet read a novel this year, I haven’t organised my under-stairs cupboard, I’m yet to successfully follow a meal plan and……I don’t care.  The days are getting longer, and despite the cold you can sense that Spring is on its way- hooray!

Sod off January, nobody likes you.


Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions this year?  How are they going?  Do you hate January as much as I do, or am I just a grumpy old woman?!

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