Beta Mummy gets Board to Death

I used to love a good board game, me. Scrabble, Monopoly, Rapidough – there’s a game for every sort of occasion, from a cosy Winter’s afternoon in with your love, to an increasingly-drunken night with your best mates.  Sigh.  I can’t remember the last time I played a proper grown ups game.  Now my occasional forays into board games involve either educational bollocks or spending three times as long setting the thing up as actually playing it.  Mousetrap is the perfect example of the latter.  FC#1 got Mousetrap for Christmas.  I LOVED Mousetrap as a child.  Now I hate it, I hate the person who bought it, and I hate the bastard that invented it.  I hate the guttering that never quite lines up, I hate the little man that dives into the tub, and I hate the stupid f*cking cage that falls down if you so much as breathe.

Of course, the Ferals love it:

“Mummy, Mummy, please can we play Mousetrap?”

“Of course!” I reply, “Off you go!”

“But we need you to set it up for us”, they whine.

I sigh, set down my large glass of Merlot and follow them into the lounge, where eleventy-billion pieces of coloured plastic await me.  Approximately 7 hours later, I emerge, battle-weary yet victorious, and announce to the children (who lost interest 6 hours and 58 minutes ago) that Mummy has indeed conquered Mousetrap, and it is ready for them to start playing.

“But Mummy” they cry, “Won’t you play with us, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

It’s the last thing I want to do, to be honest.  I remember last time.  But they did say please, and I have ignored them for most of the day so far, so I fetch my glass of wine and return to the lounge.

Within 8 minutes the following has happened:

  • The Ferals have argued about which colour mouse each is having.
  • They have also argued about who goes first; I enforce youngest to oldest.
  • We hunt for the die, which turns up under my arse.
  • FC#1 accuses FC#2 of cheating, and FC#2 punches his brother on the nose by way of a response.
  • FC#1 cries, I shout at FC#2, and take a slug of wine.
  • FC#2 wanders off.
  • FC#1 accuses me of cheating, to which my response is “WHY WOULD I CHEAT WHEN I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE RESULT?!” At least that’s what I thought.
  • The cage falls down 32 times.
  • We give up.
  • The various bits of the game remain scattered around the lounge until next weekend when I rage-hoover half of them up.

Board games are not fun when kids are involved.

Unless you’re an Alpha Mummy, in which case I’m sure your children sit still, in quiet enjoyment of the process of following rules and taking it in turns.  I bet they don’t start a fist fight with their sibling(s) when they lose, either.  AND I bet they all pitch in to help put all the bits away back in the box, too.

It’s no wonder Alpha Mums hardly drink.

Tell me about your house – do you play board games?  Are there any that your kids enjoy and that don’t make you want to remove your own eyeballs with a chopstick?

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  • Perdita 26/01/2018 at 8:34 pm

    Childe (think Victorian horror doll … looks all blonde curls and dimples but might be about to creep up on you and kill you) likes computer games, especially daddy’s. I’m like “you can’t let her watch that game it’s too scary” and try to engage her with something wooden and educational and fail. Fine. They can both get square eyes together…

  • Laura Walker 11/12/2018 at 7:25 pm

    I remember falling out a lot with my brothers over board games. I think I owe my mum a drink! Monopoly pieces really hurt when your brother chucks them at your face! My two are 3 and 1 I look forward to revisiting my childhood ha ha!


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