Off to the Beach with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

My Feral Children and I are very lucky to live on the beautiful South coast of England, within a couple of miles of the most gorgeous sandy beach.

Picture of Feral Child Number Two playing on the beach.

I try to take them to the beach as often as I can, all year round.  This is not because I am a wonderful back-to-nature type parent.  It’s more because the kids love it there so will happily get in the car (outbound trip only), they can run around like complete loons without trashing my house/garden, and a morning of digging sometimes wears them out enough for me to hit the parenting jackpot of a Dual-Child Nap.

But every morning before a beach trip, I ask myself the question, “Will today be an Alpha Mummy visit, or a Beta Mummy visit?”

Doodle of Alpha Mummy on the beach with her kids. Alpha Mummy is having as much fun as the children, joining in with building sandcastles and generally having a gay old time.


As usual, Beta Mummy's trip to the beach isn't as relaxing as she'd hoped. The children are running wild - in opposite directions - and there is sand in all her crevices. Plus there is a very squawky seagull standing glaring at her from a short distance away...

Needless to say, our trips are usually far more Beta than Alpha, but if I’m lucky we get a few Alpha moments along the way for the old Instagram feed

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  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 08/08/2016 at 7:11 am

    You need to embed your insta photo of your car of sand. That is THE worst thing about the beach. Ugh ugh ugh!

    Great as always and I’m gonna stick a #chucklemums in here too for good measure x

  • Donna Mills 09/08/2016 at 7:05 am

    Loved this, my child likes to hNd off dangerous jagged rocks like a money. She lives the look of terror etched on my face ? Will be taking my corn beef legs to the beech next month myself ? #chucklemums

  • Emma 09/08/2016 at 7:43 am

    Haha, bloody beaches. As a kid we never had any trips to the seaside because my dad hates them. He hates sand – weirdo. However, sometimes when we are not sat on the beach I wander if he is actually a very wise man. Especially when I have had to stop Youngest eating the discarded cigarette end! #Chucklemums

  • Nursery Whines 09/08/2016 at 8:03 am

    What is the secret to getting children to keep their hats on? I think some parents might secretly Velcro them on…. #Chucklemums

  • Kelly 09/08/2016 at 8:10 am

    Aaaargh the beach… Such a lovely idea in theory! Just always ends in weeping and tantrums (often mine) #chucklemums

  • YOU THE DADDY 09/08/2016 at 9:16 am

    Love your illustrations! Perfectly sums up the beach-with-kids experience! Either way, I’m sure the kids will look back at each visit fondly…all my favourite childhood memories were on the beach with my family (like when my big sister found a feather for the top of our sand castle, but when she extracted said feather from the sand, she pulled up a massive dead sea gull along with it – gross for her, but hilarious for us!) #chucklemums

    • Beta Mummy 09/08/2016 at 9:21 am

      Omg that’s an amazing story! 🙂

  • Right Royal Mother 09/08/2016 at 9:54 am

    Oh, beaches, beaches (isn’t that a Bette Midler film?) This sums it up perfectly. NC insists on eating ALL the sand at the moment and don’t get me started on the bastard hats. We’ve been through about seven this ‘summer’ already… #chucklemums

  • Sarah 09/08/2016 at 10:21 am

    I always get crapped on. I once saw a seagull sitting on a mans head, eating his chips. The man just sat there as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Weirdo. #chucklemums

  • The Mum Reviews 09/08/2016 at 10:46 am

    Yep. Our beach trips are definitely beta-mummy ones! How does the sand getting into every single crevice! And changing a poopy nappy when the arse is coated in sand is pretty much impossible. I can never actually sit down on the beach either as my young one always wants to throw himself in the sea and see where it takes him.

  • Oddhogg 09/08/2016 at 11:20 am

    sand in every crevice – the main reason I hate the beach! As long as there are enough alpha moments to outweigh the beta! #chucklemums

  • Alison (MadHouseMum) 09/08/2016 at 12:39 pm

    I always avoided beaches with young kids, so Alpha or Beta mummy – I take my hat off to you for doing it. Alison x #chucklemums

  • One Messy Mama 09/08/2016 at 2:08 pm

    LOVE the beach.. I’m sure it was an awesome day! As in your first picture!! Sun, bikini, snacks etc!!! Absolute PERFECTION.. Always 🙂 #chucklemums

  • Jenny 09/08/2016 at 2:46 pm

    Haha I envisage any visit to the beach I partake in will be a beta mummy visit. I love your pictures! x


  • emma me and b 09/08/2016 at 6:49 pm

    hehe, im pleased to say our beach visits have been more alpha mum haha. although heavy bags of crap all ring a bell for sure!! #chucklemums

  • Fizzyjazzle 09/08/2016 at 6:57 pm

    I think I hate the beach, always Beta mummy moments! Unless it involves burying toddler waist height in the sand – which he seems to love! #chucklemums

  • Mouse, Moo and Me Too 10/08/2016 at 9:25 pm

    Oh and the sand gets ALL OVER the car on the way home, and every single surface they touch. You are lucky though just to be able to nip down t’beach 🙂 #Chucklemums xx

  • The Unsung Mum 11/08/2016 at 9:29 pm

    I feel you! I’m so beta when it comes to the beach. Sand everywhere, seagulls shitting and no toilets make it a bull ache! love this! I wanna be alpha mummy just for the day! #chucklemums

  • Louise 12/08/2016 at 9:16 pm

    My monkeys love the beach but hate sand on their feet. Sobbing, howling…”my feet have sand on them. Get it off, get it off”. I am so a beta beach mummy. #chucklemums

  • justsayingmum 13/08/2016 at 9:15 am

    Oh I’m crying! Legs that will never tan – that’s me! The bag that weighs a ton but nothing you need in it! Just such a brilliant post again and again and again! #fortheloveofBLOG

  • Let your light shine Mummy 13/08/2016 at 11:07 am

    We are blessed to live on the south coast too. Ahh flippin sand, we always seem to end up with the whole beach in the kids shoes, which inevitably ends up all over the place after shoes are thrown off. #fortheloveofBLOG xx

  • Ali Duke 13/08/2016 at 5:00 pm

    Great post as always. Why is it one kid runs one way while the other runs the other way when at the beach. Or one suddenly decided to run in the sea don’t like it and you have to go and get them lol.

  • Cheryl @ Tea or Wine 14/08/2016 at 3:44 pm

    Yes I’m with you. Beaches always seem like a good idea but there are a lot of hazards and endless possible problems to deal with when it’s one of the bad days! #KCACOLS x

  • Jade The Parenting Jungle 14/08/2016 at 4:55 pm

    I hate sand…I love look at…but sand up your arse makes me unhappy. My son loves them but as soon as he hits the sand he will run like a mad thing to the water with me chasing behind him with suntan lotion cursing. So yep I am totally beta mummy at the beach!xx #chucklemums

  • Mother Hermit 14/08/2016 at 6:54 pm

    I do love the beach but not with kids. With kids it’s just an absolute bliddy nightmare- sand everywhere!! Eurgh. #KCACOLS

  • Sarah | Digital Motherhood 14/08/2016 at 8:17 pm

    We also live near the beach and it never goes as smoothly as you think it will does it?! Last time we went my 5 yo dropped her ice lolly in the sand as soon as she opened it which caused tears and a trek back to to the shop. We’d only been there 5 mins I think! #KCACOLS

  • Fridgesays 15/08/2016 at 6:30 am

    How much stuff do we need to sit and do not a lot haha x #eatsleepblogRT

  • Laura @ 2 Travelling Tots 15/08/2016 at 10:25 am

    Hilarious as always! Our boys love the beach too…. ‘Discarded bastard hats’ – YEP! #EatSleepBlogRT

  • TheIrishBabyFairy 15/08/2016 at 1:59 pm

    Love your illustrations so much! Absolutely hilarious because it’s all true (the beta one!). #KCACOLS

  • Madeline (This Glorious Life) 15/08/2016 at 7:30 pm

    We go to the beach quite often because we live so close to it, but I think I fall somewhere between your two examples here! x #KCACOLS

  • Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons 15/08/2016 at 9:00 pm

    The bag thing – my bag is HUGE, but does it ever have what I need in it? I’ve always forgotten something crucial! #KCACOLS

  • Claire 15/08/2016 at 9:21 pm

    Haha! Your pictures are amazing! #kcacols

  • Rachel Bustin 16/08/2016 at 11:19 am

    love this! if you live down here in Cornwall the seagulls are just pure evil! They even knocked a poor girl off the pier the other week! xx

    hanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  • Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme) 17/08/2016 at 12:42 pm

    The beach and i do not mix and i’m scared of water so i avoid the sea like the plaque! If we go i get bored easy as my kids love the water so i’m left either freezing cold of boiling hot with the bags depending on the weather! Thanks for linking up to #EatSleepBlogRt

  • Emma (Upside Mum) 18/08/2016 at 7:56 pm

    I think everyone’s trips to the beach must be like this surely! Sand is evil. #kcacols

  • Petite Pudding 18/08/2016 at 8:29 pm

    Ha ha ha hilarious – man I hate seagulls. Those theiving buggers always swoop down and steal my ice cream. And why oh why won’t my legs tan?? #EatSleepBlogRT

  • Soppymum (Sara) 19/08/2016 at 6:15 am

    This really made me chuckle!! I am firmly in the beta mum, although strive for alpha. Maybe one day!!!!! #kcacols

  • The Mum Reviews 19/08/2016 at 8:11 am

    Haha, I had no idea until recently just how the sand invades every single crevice. And keeping the children from running off and trying to swim the English Channel or some bit is truly a challenge. #KCACOLS

  • #EatSleepBlogRT - Week 3 - 21/08/2016 at 6:47 pm

    […] so bare with me! My favourite this week was from Beta Mummy with her linked post about the beach. I think this sums up every trip to the beach I have ever had! Grab yourself a featured badge […]


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