Introducing Alpha Mummy and Beta Mummy

This site is all about Alpha Mummy and Beta Mummy (or Alpha Mum and Beta Mum, if your kids are a bit older, I suppose).  The poem below attempts – demonstrating genius literary prowess, I’m sure you’ll agree – to explain a little about Alpha and Beta, and the great spectrum of parenthood.


This is Alpha Mummy.

This is Beta Mummy.

Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

An Alpha Mummy is that mum
You’ll have one in your street –
Two little angels by her side,
Labradoodle at their feet.

A Yummy Mummy bag in hand
To match the scrummy mummy look;
She never screams and never shouts,
Does everything right by the book.

She’s perfectly nice and funny,
Generous and ever so kind,
She jogs whilst the kids are at nursery
To keep up her pert behind.

She kind of makes me want to hurl
Despite her being so pretty
I can’t help feeling she looks at me
With a certain kind of pity.

For I, you see, am a Beta Mum,
A different kind of beast.
I rant and rave and scream and shout,
My tummy’s stretched and creased.

A Beta Mummy tries her best
But it’s never good enough.
The kids are running riot
And the going’s always tough.

She tries to balance everything:
The kids and home and work
But toddlers don’t cooperate
And she often goes beserk.

Beta Mum looks at Alpha Mum
And wonders how she does it.
How does she look so fashionable?
Why’s she not covered in vomit?

How does Alpha stay so gentle,
Chilled out and sublime?
Why does Beta just flip out,
Then concede and hit the wine?

Beta Mummy often wishes
She was more like Alpha Mum.
Perfect children, perfect life
Perfect Husband, perfect bum.

At first glance Alpha and Beta
Don’t have much to connect ’em.
But what I have found is that mummies
In fact fall onto a spectrum.

We all have good bits and bad bits,
Things that we’d like to change.
There’s no true Alpha, no true Beta
We all sit within a range.

Some mums look like an Alpha,
All shiny and happy and fit,
But perhaps you’ll find that underneath
She often feels quite shit.

A mummy who thinks she’s a Beta,
Is never as bad as she reckons
But when all else fails, our trusty friend
A large glass of Pinot beckons!


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  • teachingtinyminds 14/03/2016 at 10:03 pm

    Wahoo Beta Mummy rock!

  • Mum-Work-Repeat 19/03/2016 at 6:51 am

    Love it and hey, there are definitely more Beta mummy’s out there than the rare bread of Alpha mummy’s!

  • Something Crunchy Mummy 23/03/2016 at 8:33 pm

    This is brilliant – I am a beta mumma haha!! Thanks got linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

  • Life as Mum 24/03/2016 at 10:36 pm

    I LOVED reading this post! Such a good rhyme. and great coming across your blog too! Thank you for linking up with #justanotherlinky

  • Sarah Stockley (@kipperscurtains) 28/03/2016 at 2:45 pm

    Fantastic! We are all Beta Mums!! We rock! #FabFridayPost

  • Whinge Whinge Wine 04/04/2016 at 8:22 am

    This is brilliant. Artistic, hilarious and now turning your hand to rhyme. Please stop, you’re showing the rest of us up yea?


  • The Pramshed 04/04/2016 at 10:07 am

    Definitely more beta mums in the world that alpha mums, I don’t know how the alpha mum manages to stay pristine and shiny once their child is weaning, and avoid the random orange stains on all clothing. Claire x #bigpinklink

  • maddy@writingbubble 04/04/2016 at 10:08 am

    Love this – A decidedly ‘alpha’ illustrated poem! It’s definitely going in my BritMums roundup!

  • This Mum's Life 04/04/2016 at 8:11 pm

    LOVE IT!!!!!! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! I love your tagline for the blog-I just read it out to my husband, who has pronounced it to be ‘awesome!’ And I love the pictures! I am the alpha of the beta mums I reckon! The one in the same clothes you always see her in, hair uncut and unwashed, 2 screaming children scratching and biting, who will never see a problem with wine before the children’s bedtime! Here’s raising a glass to you, and all the beta mums out there!! Great post!
    Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!

  • queenofmycastlesite 06/04/2016 at 6:21 pm

    beautiful beautiful. loved reading this. very unique. and you are on the button: We all have good bits and bad bits,Things that we’d like to change. There’s no true Alpha, no true Beta. We all sit within a range. Thanks of sharing this wonderful view of mums.

  • Louise 21/04/2016 at 7:34 am

    That’s a brilliant rhyme and so very true – there is no true Alpha mummy or Beta mummy – it’s just a spectrum of moments. I think we all feel more like Beta mummy most of the time with perhaps an occasional moment when we might just manage to achieve Alpha mummy status – if only for a few minutes! #FamilyFun

  • occupation:(m)other 21/04/2016 at 3:02 pm

    Love it!! I think Everyone feels like a beta mummy, even the alpha mummies (surely!?). Hope so. Funny doodle and lovely poem. #familyfun

  • Nadine (@caringchaos) 21/04/2016 at 6:04 pm

    This is FAB-U-Lous! So original! love love love that is all x #familyfun

  • Catie: Imperfect Mum 21/04/2016 at 7:56 pm

    Brilliant, so well written, very true and funny too. I think you are fabulous! Brilliant drawings and a poet too… I love the pelvic floor on Beta mummy (very true) and I really loved how you said we are really a spectrum I couldn’t agree more!!! TY for linking up to #FamilyFun ?

  • Mummy in a TuTu (@mummyinatutu) 24/04/2016 at 12:11 pm

    This is bloody awesome. I am a complete beta mummy and actually you make me quite proud to be one and hey at least im not hiding the fact i quite often feel like shit lol

  • debsrandomwritings 11/05/2016 at 2:28 pm

    Hi Beta Mum, many a true word said in jest and all that. Very good and who wants to be an Alpha Mum anyway? It sounds rather dull if you ask me. Eau Do Vomit is the way to go, but I’ll swap the wine for a nice bar of chocolate if that’s okay?


  • Suranjita 12/05/2016 at 10:18 am

    Entertaining, hilarious and beautiful rhyming! What illustrations:-)

  • swapna 30/05/2016 at 7:55 pm

    lol! Where are these alpha moms? Do share at practical mondays link up too! Would love to see your posts there!

  • Five Simple Steps to Becoming a Beta Mummy – The Adventures of Beta Mummy 04/07/2016 at 6:56 am

    […] as you will know if you have read my (frankly brilliant) poem Introducing Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy, I believe that all mums lie somewhere on a spectrum. At one end you have the True Alpha Mummy […]


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