Tag Archives : toddlers

The Easter Beta Bunny.


Happy Easter everyone!  May your little darlings be little darlings, may family arguments over the last mini egg be few, may the hot cross buns be plentiful, and may you get the odd quiet moment here and there to enjoy a hot cup of tea (a.m.) and/or a nice big glass of wine (p.m.)*  🙂

Decorating the Tree: are you an Alpha or a Beta?


December is upon us – how did that happen?  This year has whizzed past and it seems like only yesterday I was grumbling and cursing as I forced all the Christmas decorations back into their boxes and gazed despairingly around at my naked, filthy-with-a-dusting-of-glitter house.  But here we are again. Christmas.

Can I tell you a secret?  You may be surprised to learn that…

A doodle of Alpha Mummy and Beta Mummy at the park with their kids. Alpha Mummy's child are waiting patiently for their turn on things, whilst Feral Child number 1 has climbed onto the roof of the fort, and Feral Child number 2 is climbing up the slide. Beta Mummy is oblivious to this as she is looking at Twitter on her phone.

A Trip to the Park with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy


It has been pretty good weather this summer, so we’ve been making the most of it and spending lots of time outside.  As I’ve said before, this is not because I am an Alpha-parent – far from it.  It simply means less time for my feral children to trash the house.  Our trips out have included plenty of visits to the beach, and approximately 47 trips to the park…

Doodle of Beta Mummy and her kids in the shoe shop. It is not going well. Feral Child number 1 is having a hissy fit over having to try on shoes, and would much rather have the orange dinosaur shoes that the boring black ones. Feral Child number two is attempting to escape the shop, again.

School Shoe Shopping with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy


In just a few short weeks, my oldest son (FC#1) starts school.  This marks the start of many new and exciting events, and many stressful and arduous, too.  The worst thing is that this September to September merry-go-round ain’t gonna stop now until, god, around 2031.  “Back to School” this year, for us, is simply “To School”.  For the first time, I am joining parents up and down the country in such joyful activities as stationery-buying (fun!), uniform-trying-on (much less fun), and…dun dun dunnnn…the buying of school shoes.

Beta Mummy Cooks…Lasagne


Beta Mummy COOKS logo

I’m no Alpha Mummy – I’m not a great cook, I don’t have a pristine, marble-topped kitchen, and I don’t have the time to lovingly prepare nutritionally-balanced food for my family at every single meal.  But I do try…so I decided that I would share some of the things I’ve learned along the way, by featuring some extremely special Beta Mummy recipes on my website.

I started off nice and easy last time with cheese on toast, but today I’ve bravely gone for something a little more complicated.  I would not recommend attempting this on a work night – save it for the weekend when you’ve got a bit more time on your hands.  Stick the kids in front of CBeebies and let’s get started with Beta Mummy’s Lasagne recipe:

Picture of Feral Child Number Two playing on the beach.

Off to the Beach with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy


My Feral Children and I are very lucky to live on the beautiful South coast of England, within a couple of miles of the most gorgeous sandy beach.

Picture of Feral Child Number Two playing on the beach.

I try to take them to the beach as often as I can, all year round.  This is not because I am a wonderful back-to-nature type parent.  It’s more because the kids love it there so will happily get in the car (outbound trip only), they can run around like complete loons without trashing my house/garden, and a morning of digging sometimes wears them out enough for me to hit the parenting jackpot of a Dual-Child Nap.

Alpha Mummy's kid's party. The kids are behaving nicely, Alpha Mummy is smiling with her clipboard making sure everything is on schedule. Everything is very coordinated and organised-looking.

The Birthday Party – with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy


As I mentioned in a previous post, it was Feral Child #2’s fourth birthday party recently. I say recently – it has taken me several weeks to recover and gather myself sufficiently to produce this post.

As you will know if you have children of primary school or pre-school age, kids’ parties these days seem to be rather more competitive than they used to be. When I was a kid, a party consisted of running around in ever-decreasing diameter circles to a soundtrack of Kylie and Jason, followed by a game of musical statues or pin the tail on the donkey, finished off with eating far too much e-number laden jelly and ice cream. Then we’d be sent on our way with a bit of cake wrapped in a serviette, and a balloon if we were lucky. Happy days!

Beta Mummy's chaotic bathroom: piss all over the floor, dirty/wet clothes everywhere. Feral Child number 1 is presenting his arse for wiping, whilst Feral Child number 2 is sitting on the potty making a right old mess.

Potty Training with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy


Potty training (or toilet training) should be a process of great joy, should it not?  After all, once complete, it does herald the end of nappies – hooray!  But, for Beta Mummies in particular, the process itself can feel like A Big Deal.

Well, one day, you’ll decide that you can put it off no longer, that it really won’t be acceptable (although tempting) to let your children live outside in a run and/or use a litter tray, and potty training will commence.

Little doodle of a rainbow, with "Love all the colours" written underneath

The Battle of Blue vs Pink


Why is there so little choice on the high street, when shopping for kids’ clothes?  There are unlimited amazing colours in the spectrum, so why are we limiting ourselves – and our children – to blues and pinks?

Little doodle of a rainbow, with "Love all the colours" written underneath

Five Simple Steps to Becoming a Beta Mummy


Now, as you will know if you have read my (frankly brilliant) poem Introducing Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy, I believe that all mums lie somewhere on a spectrum. At one end you have the True Alpha Mummy – practically perfect in every way, and nice to boot. At the other end of the scale you have the True Beta Mummy, who is… err… the opposite.  In fact, the True Beta Mummy is probably dangerously close to requiring an intervention from Social Services to be honest, but this is a light-hearted blog so let’s just say she’s a bit shit but means well.

Little doodle showing the Mummy Spectrum - Alpha Mummy at one end and Beta Mummy at the other end.