A Lovely Walk…AKA The Trudge of Doom

*Sigh*

We’re a pretty outdoorsy family – anything to minimise the house-trashing – but our outdoors activities tend to be somewhat…unstructured.

I was given this book a while back – ‘Kiddiwalks in Dorset’ – and wow! I thought, what adventures we shall have, my boys and I!  We shall explore the Dorset countryside starting at a convenient car park, follow a very carefully-planned route (not too difficult for little legs), with lunch at the halfway point (either a picturesque picnic spot or a family-friendly pub), finishing up back at the car just in time for naptime…BRILLIANT!  I shall bask in the sunshine and the glory of being such a great mum of two ruddy-cheeked, nature-appreciating, Frugi-wearing stars of Instagram!

In fact, the scene I pictured was something along these lines….

Alpha Mummy out with her two angelic children. The sun is shining and they're having a lovely time.

At that point I hadn’t, of course, actually attempted to herd my two feral kids both in one direction at the same time (they were newborn and not-quite-two when I got the book).  Going on a walk back then was still rather nice – pop them both in the Phil & Teds, pack nappies, my boobs and plenty of snacks, and off we go.  Often they’d both fall asleep which meant there was time for a nice pint of Scrumpy in a beer garden.

But fuuuuucking hell.  Now they can both run! Fast.  In opposite directions (always). Usually towards cliff edges and roads.  Until, of course, I WANT them to move along a bit sharpish, at which point one will drop to the floor in protest whilst the other one suddenly develops a cute but infuriating obsession with THIS particular woodlouse which MUST be caught and brought along for the ride.  OHMYGODITMAKESMESOANGRY!

Beta Mummy out with her two feral children. One is having a tantrum, the other has just trodden in dog shit. They are all having a terrible time.

I know, I know, I should chill out and slow down to their pace, revel in the innocent unbridled joy and yadda yadda yadda.  But when it’s pissing with rain and I need a pee and they’re both whinging and demanding to be carried (no I can’t carry both of you chubby little wrigglers at once, especially when at least one of you has trodden in dog shit), it’s hard to enjoy myself.  Sorry.  What can I say – I’m a Beta Mummy.

37 Comments

  • Sassy 06/06/2016 at 7:56 am

    Oh poor Beta Mummy! One day, I would like to see alpha mummies children step in shit and spread it down her pretty dress 😂 Oops, did I say that out loud? 😂 Fabulous post as always! Xxx #TribalLove

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  • funkymrsknutts 06/06/2016 at 7:57 am

    Oh bless you!!! 😂🙈
    Been there many a time and it’s exactly like you’ve drawn! 🙈
    High five for getting them both back!!x

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  • min1980 06/06/2016 at 8:12 am

    Another classic! I only have one and he is already dropping to the floor in protest every time we need to move somewhere. I am omega mummy, I think! #tribe

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  • mumzilla 06/06/2016 at 9:05 am

    Hahaha! The drop and tantrum is the worst!! #tribe xx

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  • Sarah - Mum & Mor 06/06/2016 at 9:15 am

    I sometimes feel bad because I laugh so much at your doodles, but it’s stuff you’ve gone through. Poor Beta Mummy! #TribalLove

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  • laughing mum 06/06/2016 at 10:02 am

    ah the scooter!! why do they never want to bloody ride it!?! lol – Ive said it before but your drawings are so true and crack me up! #bigpinklink

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  • Ohlucy 06/06/2016 at 10:15 am

    Poor Beta Mummy! Haha, I enjoy the drawings so much though! I’m not looking forward to the days Mini-Me can run..or even walk..away from me (or into dog shit)!

    Lu xx

    #TribalLove

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  • islandliving365 06/06/2016 at 11:37 am

    Oh I love your doodles as they never fail to cheer me. This doodle has reminded me why I never venture on any of the lovely cliff-top walks in Jersey. That would be a disaster!! #bigpinklink

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  • whitecamellias 06/06/2016 at 12:58 pm

    I hate scooters and bicycles! My kids always want to take them out and them I end up carrying the bloody things and the kids back!!!!! I want to be alpha mummy so bad… #triballove

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  • justsayingmum 06/06/2016 at 3:03 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for being do bloody talented – even though I know what’s coming with beta mummy it makes me laugh out loud every single time without fail! Just brilliant! You are a genius! #BigPinkLink

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  • Rhyming with Wine 06/06/2016 at 7:53 pm

    What comes after Beta? I am that Mummy. This looks exactly like our kind of family walk / outing. I kind of wouldn’t mind a woodlouse obsession – at least they tend to move a bit? My littlest one tends to get obsessed with pavement. Just that bit. Just there. Aaaaaggghhh!! I feel your pain lovely. Fantastic post. Even the hubby peered over my shoulder to look at your sketch and chuckle.
    #bigpinklink x

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  • An imperfect Mum (@animperfectmum) 06/06/2016 at 8:46 pm

    Bloody genius again. I always end up carrying the f****** scooter. And don’t get me started on dog shit – I once barged into the council house going mental about the stuff in my Dinglish (Half Dutch half English) they thought i was totally mental! Please stop spying on me…

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  • Squirmy Popple 07/06/2016 at 10:21 am

    Outdoorsy adventures are never as idyllic as we want them to be, are they? Now that my daughter can walk, I spend most of the time chasing her down and making sure she’s not trying to put sticks or pebbles in her mouth. #chucklemums #triballove

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  • mumzilla 07/06/2016 at 10:44 am

    Haha, mine always finds the mud. Even in a drought, he would find the mud. Thanks for linking to #chucklemums and hope you come back next week 🙂 xx

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  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 07/06/2016 at 11:20 am

    WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE THE WEEKEND?
    Just. Ugh.
    Add in just-walking-baby-who-hates-buggy-entrapment and instead of rain subtitute for the hottest goddamn day of the year and you have it covered.
    Thanks for linking to #chucklemums 😀

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  • rightroyalmother 07/06/2016 at 9:22 pm

    Oh god, oh god, oh god. This is me every. Single. Dog walk we go on (two per day). Love these drawings, they are so funny. And the scooter … I am thinking of making a discreet trip to the dump sometimes soon. #chucklemums

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  • rightroyalmother 07/06/2016 at 9:22 pm

    *Sometime! Sorry, wine-eyes already. Been a long day 🙂 #chucklemums

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  • turningupindevon 07/06/2016 at 9:43 pm

    If i’ve banged my ankles/shins once with a ‘carry my’ scooter – I’ve done it a million times.:) #chucklemums

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  • Agent Spitback 08/06/2016 at 1:32 pm

    Hahaha…poor Beta Mummy! I so hate that scooter as well. They always promise to ride it all the way but give up 1/5th along the way. And don’t mention that Dog Poo – then it gets into car…yeewllll…I hope you made it in time to pee. Thanks for linking with #bigpinklink

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  • Sarah@teammomlife 08/06/2016 at 7:32 pm

    This is why my two year old still rides goes in the stroller still.He gets to play outside plenty and we live on a short hill. I cam of imagine when there are two of them. I’m definitely envisioning the tantrums you mention. So funny, or at least it’s better to laugh about it. #bigpinklink

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  • bridiebythesea 08/06/2016 at 8:47 pm

    Hahaha poor Beta Mummy! Brilliant post, we’ve just got to the assisted walking phase so every 100m takes foreverrrrr ah it’s so painful. I fear there is much much more to come x #triballove #bigpinklink

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  • Rainbowsaretoobeautiful 11/06/2016 at 10:24 pm

    So happy to see your doodle before my post on #KCACOLS. We try this, end up carrying three kids between us.. Showed your sketches to my hubby and we laughed our socks off! Thanks for cheering me up xxx

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  • Rachel Bustin 12/06/2016 at 12:11 pm

    Haha your posts just make me laugh! I know it’s not funny when your kids step in doggy doo but your little drawings are just so real! Love Beta Mummy!

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

    Rachel xx

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  • cherylbarry 12/06/2016 at 4:09 pm

    Totally with you!! I used to love a nice long walk pre-kids. Normally on a Sunday with a hangover and a nice pub lunch at the end. Now I’m lucky if we get 10 minutes down the road without one or both having a tantrum / asking to be carried / making me carry their scooter or bike. Hope you get to use the book…. In about 20 years or so. #KCACOLS x

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  • motherhermit25 12/06/2016 at 10:39 pm

    Pahaha this is hilarious! The tantrum drop is thee worst! We can’t go anywhere without it these days! #triballove #KCACOLS

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  • Emilie 13/06/2016 at 4:55 pm

    Haha! My son doesn’t walk yet but I know he will be a champion tantrumer when we’re out and about, he already throws things in a paddy!! #KCACOLS

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  • Picking Up Toys 15/06/2016 at 10:23 am

    Oh it’s all fun and games isn’t it!I always end up carrying the poxy scooters too.How much does it hurt when it smashes you in the ankle!!!! #kcacols

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  • Complyorcry 17/06/2016 at 2:13 pm

    Ahaha! I love adventures of a beta mummy! I tried taking my son and nephew to the beach the other day! (Almost 2 and just 2) it was like herding fucking cats! Never the same direction, couldn’t share anything and would they listen? Would they balls!! I feel you sista!! #kcacols

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  • theokayestmum 08/07/2016 at 8:37 pm

    The scooter. The fucking scooter. I am almost 100% certain that both of my kids ask to bring their scooters places SOLELY to watch me carry them around and suffer for their own sick amusement.

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  • Colleyswobbles 21/08/2016 at 7:49 pm

    Count me in the Beta mummy crew, my son always insists on going on his dumpy plastic motorcycle yet halfway there decides he no longer wants to ride on it so muggins here has to balance a change bag a toddler, baby and said motorcycle like a demented camel. F*ck you alpha mum 😂 #EatSleepBlogRT

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  • Merlinda Little (Glimmer of Hope) 23/08/2016 at 8:48 am

    I remember when my son first got off his buggy! He run towards the road and I have to leave my buggy full of our stuff (wallet,camera and other wordly things) and run after my son! I am just so confused on what to do then. So all in all I can relate to this post =) #EatSleepBlogRT

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  • Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme) 25/08/2016 at 7:50 am

    Haha your posts always make me laugh! You Beta mum pictures are so much more reality than Alpha mummy! Well in my world anyway! Thanks for linking up to #EatSleepBlgRt

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  • Petite Pudding 26/08/2016 at 7:12 pm

    I refuse to take scooter or bikes and now footballs on walks! I am sick of carrying things… I am with you, def a Beta Mummy when it comes to a ‘nice’ walk!

    Reply

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