We’re a pretty outdoorsy family – anything to minimise the house-trashing – but our outdoors activities tend to be somewhat…unstructured.
I was given this book a while back – ‘Kiddiwalks in Dorset’ – and wow! I thought, what adventures we shall have, my boys and I! We shall explore the Dorset countryside starting at a convenient car park, follow a very carefully-planned route (not too difficult for little legs), with lunch at the halfway point (either a picturesque picnic spot or a family-friendly pub), finishing up back at the car just in time for naptime…BRILLIANT! I shall bask in the sunshine and the glory of being such a great mum of two ruddy-cheeked, nature-appreciating, Frugi-wearing stars of Instagram!
In fact, the scene I pictured was something along these lines….
At that point I hadn’t, of course, actually attempted to herd my two feral kids both in one direction at the same time (they were newborn and not-quite-two when I got the book). Going on a walk back then was still rather nice – pop them both in the Phil & Teds, pack nappies, my boobs and plenty of snacks, and off we go. Often they’d both fall asleep which meant there was time for a nice pint of Scrumpy in a beer garden.
But fuuuuucking hell. Now they can both run! Fast. In opposite directions (always). Usually towards cliff edges and roads. Until, of course, I WANT them to move along a bit sharpish, at which point one will drop to the floor in protest whilst the other one suddenly develops a cute but infuriating obsession with THIS particular woodlouse which MUST be caught and brought along for the ride. OHMYGODITMAKESMESOANGRY!
I know, I know, I should chill out and slow down to their pace, revel in the innocent unbridled joy and yadda yadda yadda. But when it’s pissing with rain and I need a pee and they’re both whinging and demanding to be carried (no I can’t carry both of you chubby little wrigglers at once, especially when at least one of you has trodden in dog shit), it’s hard to enjoy myself. Sorry. What can I say – I’m a Beta Mummy.