Family movie day with Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy

A movie day with the family is such a nice idea, isn’t it?  When it’s blowing a hooley outside, and lashing with rain, sometimes it is really lovely to say “F*ck it, let’s stay in our pyjamas all day and watch films and eat popcorn and cuddle up together on the sofa”.

I really do love the sound of all of the above…on paper.  Pyjamas all day? Great!  Watch films?  Fine by me.  Stuff popcorn?  Marvelous!  Laze about on the settee for hours?  Of course!

The Alpha Family curled up together blissfully enjoying a film.

There is only one problem with the above, one little spanner in the works which inevitably makes the Alpha Family bliss an impossibility in my house.

I have children.  Two of them.  Very feral.

They don’t take lightly to being cooped up indoors all day.

Without being exercised (not exorcised, although perhaps that might help), they get even more feral.  It’s scary, believe me.

My kids, whilst happy to watch hours upon hours of the crappest, most mind-numbingly, brain-suckingly terrible TV (Octonauts being an exception, I bloody love Octonauts), are seemingly allergic to the concept of watching a single performance of more than about 20 minutes.  Which means that film days/afternoons in the Beta Mummy household go something like this:

 

Me:  “It’s a horrible  day outside, kids, and I’m knackered/hungover/ill/fed up of parenting so what shall we do today?

Them: “KILL! DIE! OWWWWW! YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND!  GIVE IT BACK!”

LOUD CRASHING SOUNDS, SHRIEKS OF PAIN AND INDIGNATION.  SOMETHING SMASHES.

Me:  “BOYS!  It’s only 8.30 and you’re already fighting, come on, let’s do something nice together.  I know!  Let’s all watch a movie, won’t that be nice?!”

Them: “YAY! YAY!  Can we have popcorn, can we mummy, please, popcorn, can we, popcorn, have, please, mummy, popcorn?”

Me: *sighs*  “Yes, yes, I’ll just go and sort it out – you guys go and choose a movie to watch”

LOUD CRASHING SOUNDS, SHRIEKS OF PAIN AND INDIGNATION.  SOMETHING SMASHES.

Me, returning with slightly burnt popcorn: “BOYS!  For goodness sake!  What’s going on?  Right, what shall we watch?  Really?  Postman Pat Saves The Day?  Gosh, who knew they could stretch that rubbish out into a feature-length film?  Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer Lady & the Tramp?  Toy Story?  Beauty & the Beast?  No?  Postman Pat it is then.”

Feral Child #2:  “I don’t like Postman Pat.  I like *insert title of other terrible film*”

FERAL CHILD #2 PUNCHES FERAL CHILD #1 IN THE FACE.

Me, losing the will to live:  “BOYS!  We’re watching Postman Pat.  Here’s your popcorn, let’s sit nicely and watch it.  Here’s a blanket”.

Me:

Them:

Me:

Them:

5 MINUTES HAS PASSED, POPCORN IS FINISHED, FIGHT STARTS OVER BLANKET COVERAGE OF LEGS, SOMEBODY FARTS ON SOMEBODY AND SOMEBODY ELSE GETS KICKED IN THE HEAD.

Them:  “We don’t like Postman Pat…”

*Repeat ad infinitum with successively more terrible films until I beat myself to death with the remote control*

Beta Mummy losing the will to live, slurping wine whilst the feral children attack each other and completely ignore the film.

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