Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy Mow the Lawn

**WARNING – THIS POST CONTAINS MANY (ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED) SWEARS**

Ah – summer!  Glorious summer, season of BBQs and garden fun and long days frolicking on the lawn…

Alpha Mummy and her precious darlings enjoy every moment, playing in and tending to the garden, hats on at all times, of course (no burnt noses for her children, thank you very much).

Alpha Mummy is enjoying mowing the lawn which is of course akin to Wimbledon's Centre Court. The two angelic children are happily amusing themselves, helping water the flowers.

…Except wait – as you know, I am Beta Mummy.  By June, the “lawn” is up around the toddler’s shoulders, there are significantly more dandelions than there is grass, and the bloody neighbourhood cats have used the garden as their winter litter tray.

Unable to pass it off as a “nature project” any longer, and with the kids moaning that they can’t see over the weeds, I muster up all my energy, and beat a path to the shed with a broken spade.  After what feels like several days, I make it – hoorah!  Of course, the padlock has rusted up over the winter, and it takes several minutes of key-wiggling, cursing, and kicking the shed door until I finally force it open.  Immediately, the kids and the stupid cat wriggle their way into the crannies of the shed, out of my reach due to the shed being like the Black Hole of Calcutta and jam-packed with bikes we don’t use, garden tools (ditto), half-used tins of paint and several mildewy sun loungers.

“Ooh mummy, a saw!” (wielding an actual saw above his head).

“Mummy, what’s this?” (It’s white spirit, with a decidedly non-child proof cap, great).

Groaning and heaving, I lug the 20-year old knackered lawn mower out, then go back to retrieve the children.  The cat can sort herself out (note to self – don’t lock her in later).  Fetch the extension lead. Plug it in.  Not working, the bastard. Go back inside, switch plugs.  Not working.  Wiggle everything. Lawn mower clicks a little.  Loose wire, brilliant.  Gaffa tape. Seems to do the trick.  Start mowing, woo!  I’m a domestic goddess, an independent woman who don’t need no man to mow my lawn for me (no dodgy pun intended).

Grass collector falls off. Fucking thing.  Clip has snapped, fucking fuck.  Bungy cord – it’s not pretty, but it works!  I am a clever engineer-type.  Mow a bit more, crunching up the toys/rocks/creatures as I go (sorry toad).  Grass collector is full.  Undo bungy cord, empty collector.  Can’t get the bloody thing to go back on again.  Getting fed up now.  Feral child #1 offers to help, insisting that he’s a bit of an expert at lawn mowers.  Remember Feral child #2.  He is “explorin'” – i.e. mashing up slugs on the path.  Joy.  (Should I be worried – psychopathic tendencies?)

Mower sorted, working again. Feral Child #1 now riding on the mower; I figure that at least he’s not in front of/under the mower, although he is bloody heavy.  Wish that I’d mowed earlier in the year, as the long grass is jamming up the blade every 5 sodding minutes.  Neighbour pops her head over the wall to tell me that I “shouldn’t have let it get so long”.  Bite my tongue to refrain from telling her to F-off.

Grass collector falls off again.  I jump up and down, loudly ranting and raging, kicking the mower and possibly breaking my toe.  It has taken me nearly 2 hours to mow approximately 1/20th of my garden.  That’s it, I give up.  My lawn looks like it has mange, but I need wine.  Lots of wine.  And a sexy gardener.

Beta Mummy is not enjoying herself. The grass is far too long, one child is riding on the lawnmower, whilst the other has picked up a lump of cat shit.

 

47 Comments

  • mumworkrepeat 13/06/2016 at 7:59 am

    So pleased I’m not the only one battling with the jungle! What is it with the sodding padlocks rusting over every year too? A hot Gardner, now there’s a thought….. 🙂

    Reply
  • colleyswobbles 13/06/2016 at 8:09 am

    Have you been watching me gardening because the whole axe wielding and attempt at getting in the shed sounds all too familiar. The bloody cats also have a tendency to use our lawn as a litter tray too 😤, little shits. You are also not alone when I see my son happily stamping on ants I do wonder about his psychotic tendencies, hope he’ll just stick at being an ant murderer and not advance to anything larger. Ok maybe spiders just to save his mummy of course.

    What a wonderful blog as ever. You my lady are a genius (with super neat handwriting and drawing skills). Absolutely loving your bloginess. Gem x (aka Colleyswobbles)

    Reply
  • Ohlucy 13/06/2016 at 9:38 am

    I hate mowing my lawn and I resent the fact it grows so quickly! Luckily Mini doesn’t yet want to wander out there, especially with something so noisey. (She does clearly fear for my safety though, and therefore cries the entire time I’m doing it!)

    Lucy xx

    #TribalLove

    Reply
  • islandliving365 13/06/2016 at 11:35 am

    Hahahahahaha. Makes me glad (for once) that I don’t have a garden and just tiny patio, although if it meant I had to get Poldark round to hack at my grass then I would very much like an overgrown lawn. Briliant as always!

    Reply
  • teachwell 13/06/2016 at 1:35 pm

    I am not a parent yet but I can assure that I would be in the same category – made me laugh – a lot!!

    Reply
  • Over Heaven's Hill 14/06/2016 at 10:33 am

    Haha oh dear god this was a much bigger version of my weekend! So glad I’m not alone in letting the jungle get out of Control #chucklemums

    Reply
  • laughing mum 14/06/2016 at 12:07 pm

    haha! I would give up too… sod that! lol – I would have to get someone in to do it just once, then I would ‘try’ to keep on top of it haha 😉 brilliant as always! #chucklemums

    Reply
  • Jenny 14/06/2016 at 2:05 pm

    Nightmare! Love your illustrations though. Our lawn sounds like yours. My fiance mows the lawn and I cut the bushes. I cut through the hedgetrimmer wire, I’m almost certain this will relieve me of my duties. Have you considered sabotage? Set fire to the mower? Or perhaps the lawn!

    #Chucklemums

    Reply
  • Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine 14/06/2016 at 3:50 pm

    Just brilliant. My garden is not dissimilar to this and my children are also feral. Last time my parents visited my dad mowed the lawn, such was the shame he felt for me. Thanks for coming along to #chucklemums 😀

    Reply
  • josandelson 14/06/2016 at 10:04 pm

    What is it with grass collectors they always fall off? Much more fun to pull jungle weeds out of blades and celebrate 10 fingers still intact after. Livin’ on the edge. ooh a sexy gardener what wouldn’t i do for one of those. Hello Mellors! Maybe all us bloggers could crowdfund a few and share them out? love the post 🙂 Jo #Chucklemums

    Reply
  • occupation:(m)other 15/06/2016 at 8:14 pm

    My brother in law has invested in fake grass and they do all seem much more peaceful (and less ant invested) than us during garden/jungle playtime! I am so sorry for your trials, I do hope a sexy gardener is reading this!!! BUT it did make for a very funny post so every cloud… #chucklemums

    Reply
  • bridiebythesea 18/06/2016 at 8:48 am

    Ahh this is just brilliant!! It does make me very thankful I don’t have a garden as I’m sure it would be an overgrown forest 🙂 xx #triballove

    Reply
  • Jess Powell (Babi a Fi) 18/06/2016 at 10:19 pm

    xD I feel your pain! My dad keeps giving me unsolicited gardening advice all the time about weeds, and regular mowing. My view is that until the grass gets so long I can no longer see the toddler, it’s fine. Out front, I put off cutting the hedge so long my mother-in-law took pity on us and booked a bloke to come and do it for us. I saw the judgement in her eyes but I took the offer all the same, lol. #KCACOLS

    Reply
    • The Adventures of Beta Mummy 18/06/2016 at 10:37 pm

      Always accept the offer! I managed the back garden this week, but the front is like a jungle again already…nooooooooo.

      Reply
  • Motherhood IRL 18/06/2016 at 10:39 pm

    And this is exactly why I let N do all of the gardening and laugh heartily when the kids drives him batshit while he tries to move the lawn or faff about digging a new bloody border that the cats will just use as a glorified toilet.
    I get my comeuppance for this when they scatter my clean laundry all over the house while I’m not looking.
    #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Coombe Mill 19/06/2016 at 12:58 am

    This did make me smile! It takes me 2 hours here each week to mow the lawns and that’s just the hand mowing. #KCACOLS

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  • wendy 19/06/2016 at 9:00 am

    Haha so funny. This sounds like me the ONE time I attempted to mow the lawn l. Don’t think I’ve ever found anything so stressful. Mowing the lawn is left to the husband now, although he rarely has much joy either..we tend to leave the grass get to jungle status too before we do anything about it!xx hope you find a sexy gardener! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Squirmy Popple 19/06/2016 at 11:10 am

    Ha! My daughter was desperate to mow the lawn when we went to visit my parents. She kept making my dad take her to she shed and get out the mower so she could try to push it. We don’t have a lawn at home – I kind of wish we did, but I also know I couldn’t really be arsed taking care of it. #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • thefrenchiemummy 19/06/2016 at 12:04 pm

    Where are men when we need them… The good think is when the children are big enough, you can ask them to do it 😊 #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Michelle G 19/06/2016 at 8:29 pm

    Ha ha, this is fab….and why is it that as soon as you’ve got the garden all nice, it starts to pee it down!?! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • aliduke79hotmailcom 19/06/2016 at 11:28 pm

    A brilliant and funny post as always. I am so glad I have my hubby to do jobs like this.
    #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • justsayingmum 20/06/2016 at 1:32 pm

    just no no no no!! The cat shit stone – noooooooo! OMG I do love this and was so so pleased to see you on a linky – have missed you! You never disappoint! I am all over the sexy gardener! do it! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Emma - meandbmaketea 22/06/2016 at 9:17 am

    hehe and this is why hubby mows our lawn! in my picture there would be a tonne of cat sh*t too to dodge! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons 22/06/2016 at 10:49 am

    Haha, brilliant! Can your feral child please come round and massacre some of my slugs? I found a colony the other day under a pot (they’d clearly been having a feast on the poor plant that was in the pot!), and I didn’t know what to do with them. I put them in a plastic flowerpot, turned it upside down and put a plate on top of it… Husband said I was cruel! Great pictures as always! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • babybykaybee 22/06/2016 at 6:09 pm

    hahaha this is fantastic. loved it #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme) 22/06/2016 at 7:30 pm

    Oh how funny! I hate mowing my garden too! You garden sounds like my old garden before i moved- it was hard work and i’m sure the grass was made of extra tough blades of grass! I like the idea of a hunky gardener though 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

    Reply
  • Kerry 23/06/2016 at 6:36 am

    Ha ha, I love this! Love your drawings. I had a neighbour comment on the fact that my hedge needed a trim (garden hedge for you dirty minded people!), I could have swung for him if I was trying to carry 2 kids and shopping into the house! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • andanothertenthings 25/06/2016 at 7:04 am

    We’ve gone to the dark side and have astro-turf! Just a quick hoover and it’s all done. To be fair our ‘lawn’ is about 30cm square but at lEast it always looks neat, until the cat shits on it of course! #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • Emilie 25/06/2016 at 7:44 pm

    Poldark can mow my lawn any day!! #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • practicalbydefault 26/06/2016 at 12:05 pm

    Oh my word, thankfully the yard is hubby’s baby and I don’t stress it. We did have our ride on die and now he walks 15k every week (yes you read that right-we live in the country!) So glad he does. The sticky rock….lol #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • themotherhub 26/06/2016 at 5:49 pm

    So funny ! Love the comment about not needing no man to mow the lawn ! I once used strimmer on our lawn and I felt like a total legend ! #stayclassy

    Reply
  • utterlyferal 27/06/2016 at 8:31 am

    Real life struggles! So funny! Mines like a jungle at the minute. Catch our blog too for a similar vibe xxx

    Reply
  • Sarah Aslett @ Admissions Of A Working Mother 28/06/2016 at 11:16 am

    Haha brilliant! Our garden was like this a few weeks ago, I couldn’t deal. I traded chores with my husband so I didn’t have to go through this trauma. He got hacking, weed wacking and mowing – and I got bathroom/toilet and swim class. Pretty sure I won that one. My son also loves to ‘play with slugs’ – nice! #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • Stay Classy Link Party 30-06 – Admissions Of A Working Mother 30/06/2016 at 6:10 am

    […] pick from last week came from Beta Mummy and her post Mow The Lawn .  Really funny and so bloody true as well! I am useless at things like this I’d just give up […]

    Reply
  • Jenni - Odd Socks and Lollipops 01/07/2016 at 4:06 pm

    Haha this is so funny, I am so glad that I can leave that job to my husband otherwise i would just close the curtains and pretend the garden didn’t exist haha #KCACOLS

    Reply
  • Savannah (@HowHesRaised) 01/07/2016 at 7:49 pm

    This is hilarious, and totally me! From the way our neighbors act, I thought I was the only one who ever let the grass get long enough to jam up the blades haha. I could definitely do with a gardener-you’d think in 2016, we’d have better options for cutting the grass! #KCACOLS

    Reply

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