This site is all about Alpha Mummy and Beta Mummy (or Alpha Mum and Beta Mum, if your kids are a bit older, I suppose). The poem below attempts – demonstrating genius literary prowess, I’m sure you’ll agree – to explain a little about Alpha and Beta, and the great spectrum of parenthood.
Alpha Mummy & Beta Mummy
An Alpha Mummy is that mum
You’ll have one in your street –
Two little angels by her side,
Labradoodle at their feet.
A Yummy Mummy bag in hand
To match the scrummy mummy look;
She never screams and never shouts,
Does everything right by the book.
She’s perfectly nice and funny,
Generous and ever so kind,
She jogs whilst the kids are at nursery
To keep up her pert behind.
She kind of makes me want to hurl
Despite her being so pretty
I can’t help feeling she looks at me
With a certain kind of pity.
For I, you see, am a Beta Mum,
A different kind of beast.
I rant and rave and scream and shout,
My tummy’s stretched and creased.
A Beta Mummy tries her best
But it’s never good enough.
The kids are running riot
And the going’s always tough.
She tries to balance everything:
The kids and home and work
But toddlers don’t cooperate
And she often goes beserk.
Beta Mum looks at Alpha Mum
And wonders how she does it.
How does she look so fashionable?
Why’s she not covered in vomit?
How does Alpha stay so gentle,
Chilled out and sublime?
Why does Beta just flip out,
Then concede and hit the wine?
Beta Mummy often wishes
She was more like Alpha Mum.
Perfect children, perfect life
Perfect Husband, perfect bum.
At first glance Alpha and Beta
Don’t have much to connect ’em.
But what I have found is that mummies
In fact fall onto a spectrum.
We all have good bits and bad bits,
Things that we’d like to change.
There’s no true Alpha, no true Beta
We all sit within a range.
Some mums look like an Alpha,
All shiny and happy and fit,
But perhaps you’ll find that underneath
She often feels quite shit.
A mummy who thinks she’s a Beta,
Is never as bad as she reckons
But when all else fails, our trusty friend
A large glass of Pinot beckons!